Thursday, December 06, 2007

I never fathomed weaning being this hard

Since I don't have time or energy to write in a journal, I'm writing this for my sake and for the sake of those who end up cherishing nursing as much as I have. I am in the process of totally weaning Isabella, going from one nursing a day to no nursings at all. Going from five to four times a day, four to three times a day, three to two, and so on, was nothing compared to this. The emotional agony Isabella and I are each experiencing is indescribably painful. She's responding with added clingyness (to me) and agitation (towards me being further than a foot away from her). But it's more than another bout of separation anxiety. She gets frustrated easily. Me? I feel broken, miserable, and sad. I desperately want to nurse her, especially since she loves to nurse. She's not showing any signs of self-weaning. Interested in weaning? Always! If she weren't so interested, it might make my job a teeny tiny bit easier.

But, I'm certain I don't want to wander into the land of tandem nursing. With every new baby, nursing starts all over and the experience is new, but I don't want repeat anything resembling what I did with Isabella and nurse the new baby, too. When Isabella was a newborn, sometimes she'd be on the breast an hour and then she'd need to nurse as soon as an hour later.

Anyways, I'm sad and broken. I know I've already said that. . . Nighty-night.

At the age of 14 1/2 months, Isabella has found herself a lovey

I wasn't eager for Isabella to find a lovey, so I didn't do anything to encourage it. But, I knew sooner or later, she'd probably get attached to this little monkey. And sure enough she has. These pictures were taken yesterday, December 5, as I was getting ready to feed her breakfast. She wouldn't let go of the monkey for a diaper change, and I didn't know whether she'd let it go to eat breakfast. Thankfully she did.

But since then, she's grown even more attached to it. She crawls everywhere with it, holding on to it for dear life. Tonight, when I was getting ready to put her down for the night, she made her version of the monkey sound "whooooo, whoooo, whoooo." She made the noise over and over again, until I fetched it for her. HUGE grin across her face once she had it in her grasp.

Sighhhhhhhhhh. I mean, I'm glad she has something to comfort her when I'm there or not. But, what if she loses it? I have no idea where it came from or where to get it! It was a gift. Did a search on google and didn't find an exact match.

Can anyone help? I'll LOVE, love, LOVE ya forever if you can find another one identical to it!

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

And you wonder why I'm tired?

Isabella woke up around 6:30 AM this morning. Usually, if we don't tend to her, she'll eventually go back to sleep for another hour. Not this morning. Besides crying, she kept saying, "Bao!" over and over again. That's Chinese for "hold me!" We had no idea the temperatures were going to drop a lot overnight, so no one turned on the heat. I think that's why she didn't go back to sleep; she was too cold. Despite the fact that I'm working on weaning Isabella, since Troy brought her to our bed and she was showing no signs of going back to sleep, I nursed her. She drank and she stayed on for comfort's sake. But by 7:30, she wanted something else. I dragged my tired self out of bed to feed her breakfast.

Per usual, I had to feed her breakfast before enjoying mine. If I eat while she's eating, she'll only want what I'm eating. She did allow me the courtesy of preparing my breakfast first, pouring the yogurt into a large bowl, washing and cutting the strawberries. While I was doing this, she wanted me to sing to her, continuously. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE to sing. This is a bit early in the morning. I'm still waking up and I'm not super social. Every time I finished a song, she'd sign "more" and would start screaming if I didn't resume singing. Wonderful. . . I worked as fast as I could to prepare my breakfast. Meanwhile, both of my hands were going numb. My carpal tunnel has been flaring in both hands lately.

As soon as I finished preparing my breakfast, I fed her hers. She had been snacking on Cheerios and whole milk. I gave her baby oatmeal mixed with milk and chunks of banana. Then, she had a whole container of baby whole milk yogurt. Topped off her breakfast with two thirds of a whole wheat teething biscuit.

While she was eating her teething biscuit, I had a few bites of my yogurt and strawberries. Isabella decided she had had enough. I cleaned up her hands, face, and hair. Yup, she likes to grab her hair with her hands every now and again while she's eating, even when her hands are covered with soggy bits of teething biscuit or cookies. Washed the table top of her high chair and pulled her out.

Put her on the floor and attempted to eat my breakfast in peace. Peace? Yah right. She's going through another clingy phase. And, no, she's not always this way. I'm flattered that she's a mommy's girl, but that title comes at a price. She wanted me to play with her on the floor. Tried playing with her for a bit and then returned to sitting at the table to eat.

Saw her assuming the position (for pooping). Not much later, she found her way over to me, stink and all. Yes, I could smell her as she was approaching. Had to change her diaper. Great changing a diaper when you're in the middle of eating. Fantastic for the appetite and gagging sensation.

When I was done doing that, instead of working on my breakfast, I decided to clip her nails. Why do I feel like I'm cutting them every week and they grow like weeds? Couldn't wait any longer, because not only was she hurting me, but she's given herself a little flesh wound on her nose. I sit her on the floor, with me behind her. I attempt to pin her legs down with my legs and start with the finger nails. She's reaching for all the toys around her, settling on the shape sorter and wanting me to help her play. Cutting a baby's nails are enough of a challenge without any additional distractions; just try cutting them without cutting her flesh when she's all wiggly! Eventually, I got fingernails and toenails cut.

I attempted to return to my yogurt and strawberries in peace. I ate most of it, before Isabella decided she had to have some. Sigh, it's ten o'clock and I'm exhausted. Isabella wants to be held and she wants something, I'm not sure what. I'm going to put her down for a nap and I'm going to take one, too, even though I have some important housekeeping matters to do.

Oh, and if that weren't enough to make any normal person tired, I'm pregnant.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

These girls really miss Isabella!

WARNING! TMI, TMI, TMI! If you're a dude or a woman who can't or doesn't want to read about a breastfeeding mom and her breastfeeding-related adventures, don't read this entry.

I was getting ready for bed and actually am about to hit the sack. Anyways, I was going through the tooth-brushing ritual (flossing, brushing my teeth, and rinsing with mouthwash. And my girls were steadily dripping milk (as they are at this moment, as I am typing). Okay, it's actually pretty bad, so I'd better go. Thought I'd let them breathe some fresh air and dry properly, but that's not an option now. Getting the computer, floor, and chair wet. Ta ta. Toodle doos.

The milk truck has pretty much left town and I'm super sad

I survived today without nursing Isabella at all, not even once, nadda. She has been nursing only once a day for about two months now. First thing in the morning was our special time. And, some time since I have been pregnant, I haven't been producing enough milk to sustain one feeding. So, after nursing her first thing in the morning (well, after changing her diaper of course), I'd feed her breakfast. This morning, we jumped right to the non-nursing breakfast.

Her breakfast menu -
  • cow's milk.
  • some Cheerios.
  • baby oatmeal with water, mixed with chunks of fresh banana.
  • a container of baby yogurt.
  • a small fraction of a teething biscuit.
Yes, she has quite a healthy appetite in the morning. Not just this morning, but every morning lately.

From this picture, looks like she wasn't much affected by cutting that last nursing session, right?

Not exactly sure. But, something caused her to be in a bit of a touchy mood in the morning. Could have been cutting that last nursing session. Could be one of the new teeth further cutting through her gums.

Clearly I was affected by the change. Very sad to wean her off completely. Okay, okay, you "you're pregnant and you shouldn't be nursing anyways" lecturers, I'm looking for a bit of empathy and comfort here. You don't exactly have to cry along with me, but please, lend me a shoulder to lean on.

I don't understand why certain women think of nursing as a shackle and assault on the body. I'm familiar with the reasoning - can't just eat or drink whatever you want and have to nurse at seemingly inconvenient times. As time has passed and I overcame difficulties of learning to nurse, I came to really cherish that special bonding and intimacy I was blessed to share with my child. Seriously people, I'm hurting and I'm sad.

Praise the Lord, my husband came to my rescue today. We had already designated today as a work day for me. Can't tell you much about it at this point, but I will say it has to do with academic writing . . . Will tell more as the status changes. He even helped usher me out the door this morning, around 11 o'clock.

Went to Moon Bean, a local coffee shop, where I had FREE internet access. Yay for free internet access. I know where I want to go and do work in the future. Two benefits: free internet access and support a locally owned cafe. Though Starbucks has yummy Java Chip Frappuccinos, internet access costs money! So, for any of you who are looking to get me a Christmas present, get me a gift card to Moon Bean! They do have gift cards; they're called Star something-or-other. I was away for a total of about six hours before returning home. I was away from Isabella and Troy, and Troy and Isabella had great father/daughter time together.

We mustn't overlook how great I felt having all that uninterrupted time to work. By the time I was done, I was so content and proud of my hubby that all I wanted to was spend time with both of them. We're planning on doing something the three of us after fall semester classes end next week. We might go the the Brownsville Zoo or something here in town.

Tonight, I went to a women's Christmas party at church. Had a blast. Ate yummy food, listened to people sing Karoake, played entertaining games, conversed with various women. Had plenty of laughs. Danced the macarena and did a train run, jostling that baby-in-utero round and round. I'm sure I put that baby to sleep; it probably just felt a sway or rocking motion.

I've written on and on. Now I'm going to stop. Okay, I luv ya, bub-bye!